TOUGH STUFF ON DATING

Question from a teen:

I know this is a subject that comes up a lot and i would like to know what the catholic church teaches on dating cause i am sooo confused right now and i could really use come guidance.

Answer:

Although I am not aware of any one Church document that directly addresses teen dating (although there may be one) there are several things that come to mind when I read this question. Bear in mind that some of this answer comes from personal experience and mistakes I have made. I do not claim to be perfect but I have been around a bit and you should take my answer to heart.

The first is Chastity. Remember we are all called to live chastely. For me as a married man, this means that I am 100% loyal to my wife in thought, word and action. All my sexual thoughts, desires, words and actions should be directed at my wife. She is to be the only woman in my life.

For a teen, chastity means recognizing that sex and sexual energies are to be saved for marriage. This not only means abstaining from actually having sex, but also refraining from any actions that stimulate you or your boyfriend/girlfriend sexually, including oral sex, innapropriate touching (you know the term "finger banging/hand jobs")or even making out. I honestly don't think you should do anything with your boyfriend or girlfriend that you would not do with your brother or sister.

Many times teens ask "How far is too far?" The answer to this question is simple. How far would you want someone else to go with your future spouse? Remember, while you are on that date, somewhere in the world somebody else could be on a date with your future spouse. Girls, do you want your future husband to be on a date with a girl who has her hands down his pants? Guys, do you want your future wife to be out there having oral sex with her boyfriend? Think about that and always remember that your date is someone's future spouse, maybe yours. Treat them with respect and remember that love means "choosing the higher good for the other person, not yourself".

Girls should also remember that the way they dress can cause boys to have impure thoughts. Girls need to help guys be gentlemen by dressing appropriately and by acting like ladies and not sluts. Likewise, guys should treat girls with respect both physically and emotionally. This means doing what is best for your girlfriend, not what you think is best for what's between your legs. You cannot learn to treat women appropriately if you treat them like objects. If you view pornography, masturbate, have lustful thoughts about girls you meet, try to look down girls shirts or even talk about women in a derogatory manner around other guys (including telling dirty jokes), you are teaching yourself to view women as an object, not a person. You need to clean up your act! And girls, if you are dressing like a ho, don't get mad when guys treat you like one. You asked for it.

Another thing that comes to mind is how to decide who to date. If you remember anything you should remember this. You will marry the kind of people you date! So when dating, be sure to only date people that are the kind of people you would want to marry. Remember that most people don't change after they get married, so if your boyfriend/girlfriend is a cheater now, they probably always will be. If they use drugs now, they probably will after you get married. If they are a jerk now, they probably won't change just because they have a ring.

As a Catholic, you should date other Catholics who LIVE their FAITH!!! I know that isn't popular to say but oh well. DATE CATHOLICS! Also,just because someone says they are Catholic does not mean that they live it! Date teens who go to mass regularly, who go to confession and who pray. Date teens who LOVE JESUS MORE THAN THEY LOVE YOU! If a teenager loves Jesus more than they love you then you know they will treat you right! Girls, this means giving the "nice guys" a chance. If you date someone who you know is a "bad guy" don't complain when they leave you after getting what they want or when they leave you because you wouldn't give them what they want (sex). There are nice guys out there. Look for them and don't ever settle for someone that doesn't treat you like a queen, and guys, don't date girls that won't let you be a gentleman. If a girl won't let you be a gentlemen by opening doors for her, helping her with things, protecting her, etc then you don't want her for a spouse. Girls need to let guys be the Knight in Shining armor and Guys need to be that Knight. This doesn't mean that you should look for some helpless girl that can't do anything on her own. My wife is VERY independent and smart and I love that about her but she lets me be a gentlemen for her and that is important.

Lastly, don't let relationships rule your life. Most people don't marry someone they met in high school. Dating in high school can be fun but when it gets too serious it causes you to miss out on the fun stuff you should be doing during your teenage years. You put all this time and energy into one person and by doing so you neglect your friends, your family and your interests and then you break up and feel like you wasted all this time. It is better to just have "friend dates" in high school instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Hope that helps!
Pete