CATHOLIC TEACHING ON SEX IN MARRIAGE

This is an online dialogue that took place between me and a very good friend of mine who I taught in youth group in 8th grade and then sponsored for Confirmation when he was in 11th grade. He is now a successful young man living in Europe. His words are in italics and mine are in standard print.

Hey Pete,So I know I'm a ways off from marriage, but I don't have a catechism near, and I'd like to hear your opinion also. In recent homilies I have heard two different priests talk about sex in marriage. Without being "open to life," I interpreted that sex, even in a "healthy" catholic marriage, is sinful. I kind of have a hard time with this, as sex is a big enough challenge in my life as it is, but I'm not going to lie, I was hoping that in marriage the rules might be a little bit more "relaxed," if you will. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or not. Feel free to answer this in a blog, or just to me, but I would appreciate the input.

This is tough teaching that is tough to answer in a short written format but I will do my best.

There is a wealth of information online from good catholic sources about sex in marriage. The best stuff to read is Pope John Paul II's Theology of the body.

The general rule is that sex in marriage needs to be open to procreation. In more graphic terms, this means that when a married couple has sex, they must end the act with the man ejaculating inside his wife's vagina. This doesn't mean that various kinds of foreplay or other sexual pleasure are forbidden (such as oral sex, manual stimulation, etc) but only that the act must end with the husband releasing his "seed" inside his wife's vagina.

To begin to understand this you must remember; what is the purpose of sex? Why did God give us "sex"?

The first purpose of sex is procreation, the second is bonding with one's spouse so that the two can become one flesh. When you take either of these things out of sex, it perverts the reason God gave us sex. For example, the Church is against In Vitro fertilization because it removes the "bonding" (the sex act) from the act of procreation. With In Vitro Fertilization, life is created without sex. This is a sin.

The Church also prohibits contraception because it removes the possibility of procreation (creating life) from the act of sex. Artificial birth control can never be justified under any situation in a marriage. It is a mortal sin.

Just remember that sex in marriage must have the act itself and the possibility of creating new life.

I will stop here and let you respond before I go too far. Does this make sense? If not, what can I explain to clear things up.

It does... kinda. I don't want to get too personal in this, obviously. But for instance, I know that my dad had a vasectomy. My mom in my eyes is a devout good hearted Catholic. Although it can be a little weird to talk about, I'm sure that their sex life isn't stagnant. On the personal side, and I really don't want to be offensive so forgive me in advance for even going here, but you and Jamie have been married for awhile now, and to my knowledge the only "kids" you have are your dogs. Again, I don't mean to get too personal, so I apologize. However, I am confused. And a friend of mine, who was "raised a catholic" and whom I am trying to get to come deeper into the faith, is getting married in January. His wife is Catholic as well, but I know they have had sex (with each other only, not that it makes a difference.) He heard one of these homilies and almost took offense. In fact, he hasn't been to church since. I know it's tough and I probably need to talk to a priest or someone, but I honestly want the opinion of a married Catholic who's advice I feel I can count on.

There are several different questions that you have in this email. I will do my best to address them. Don't worry about getting too personal. You aren't going to offend me and if I am going to have a website that says I will answer any question then I had better do it! Here are a couple short answers, feel free to call me if these don't help.

1. Vasectomies and Hysterectomies for the purpose of birth control are against Church teaching. They are considered a mortal sin. Remember for a sin to be mortal three conditions must apply. First, the sin has to be grave matter. Second, the person has to do it of their own free will (they can't be forced into it). Third, the person must have significant time for reflection. In other words, they must know it is a mortal sin and choose to do it anyway. Getting back to the answer now. In some situations, such as for the pupose of health (ovarian cancer, other female problems, etc) a hysterectomy can be permitted but never for the purpose of birth control. Also, if one spouse is not Catholic and the other is, the Catholic spouse is not sinning by having sex with their spouse even if that spouse has had a vasectomy or a hysterectomy. This also applies for artificial contraception. If a Catholic man has a non-Catholic wife that takes "the pill", he is not sinning by having sex with his wife but he should let her know that he feels it is wrong to use artificial birth control.

2. Jaime and I have been trying to have kids for about 3 years and have been unsuccesful. Before that we used NFP (Natural Family Planning) which is ok in the eyes of the church if you have a good reason. I'm not sure if we had a good reason or not but Jaime wasn't Catholic and we both agreed that artificial birth control is evil (as the church teaches) and we were not going to use it anymore (we used it our first year of marriage before either of us were catholic). Incidentally, part of the reason we may not be able to have kids could be because the "pill" may have done some damage to Jaime. Hmmmm. Perhaps the church teaching makes sense, eh? Interesting how we never hear about these things from the servants of the devil over at Planned Parenthood when they are selling their lies to teens.

3. Regardless of how people "feel" about it. Sex in marriage needs to be open to life and unity. There are VERY good reasons for this. Pope Paul VI issued "Humanae Vitae" and it was so controversial that people were literally exiting the Catholic church left and right. In it he condemned artificial birth control as well as abortion and other attacks on human life. Some of the things the Church said in response to the criticisms he received were "if you want to treat sex as a toy then be prepared for an increase in abortion, an increase in divorce, an increase in pornography, an increase in adultery, etc" Here we are over 50 years later and what do we have? All of these things and then some! Perhaps the Church is not so dumb after all.

Sex is not a toy. It is ordained by God to be between a man and a woman in the sacrament of marriage. Its first purpose is procreation and its second is unity/bonding of the spouses. This is TOUGH teaching but it is necessary. If you lower the bar on this teaching, well, we have seen where that can lead.

When Catholics hear this teaching and respond with things like "God should stay out of my bedroom". Well, I just ask them, "then why do you want to get married in the Church?" "Is marriage a sacrament or not?" Remember that a sacrament is a physical way of receiving God's grace and marriage is a covenent between you, your spouse and God. I hope that helps.

Well everything you just said makes a world of sense to me. It actually answers more than I was expecting. However, I too would like to talk to you on the phone more about it. A friend of mine is using my phone right now, but either tonight or this weekend sometime I will try to get in touch with you. Thanks again, Pete, and I'll talk to you later.

No problem, glad I could help.
-Pete